Another surgery

So we spoke with the doctor last night and it looks like Claire might have another surgery on Thursday. This is to explore her intestines and figure out why they cannot feed her. While in there they are going to put in a trach and GI tube. I have been a ball of emotions the last few days. My mom is in town, set to leave tomorrow, but I think we are going to extend her trip through the weekend.

Sunday I held her. Things were going well, until the end. We had a nurse come in to suction her and the next thing I know she's turning blue, not breathing and limp. Turns out her airway either spasmed close, collapsed, or did a little of both. My heart stopped, it was the worst sight and feeling I have had since she was born. Then last night while talking to the doctor I was given another reality check. I knew she would need a trach for a while, coming home with one. I just didn't realize that she would most likely have it for 9-12 months. That means even if she is home, we won't be able to take her any where until the trach is out. I won't be able to enjoy my daughter as mother's with healthy babies do until next summer, maybe even fall. A part of my heart is breaking.

We had also discussed the idea of having in-home nursing assistance. It was a little startling to think of someone in our house for that reason, but I was also reassured for the help. The doctor last night informed us that most insurance companies do not cover in-home care. That's great! So instead of paying for in-home care, the insurance company is willing to pay ten times the amount to keep her in the hospital. I'm doing my best to keep a realistic time-frame of when she may come home, but I'm not sure of anything anymore.

This is making much more resentful of mothers who have healthy babies. I'm ready to shut myself into my small world and not let anyone else in. Maybe Adam is willing to deal with our friends, family, and the rest of society for me.